Spectacular.

Sitting on a bus, headphones drowning out all sound, I sit and watch.  Other people are sitting with their headphones on - some are staring and others have their head back and their eyes closed. I see people on the phone, some smiling and others with their eyebrows tightened together. Others are laughing and some are just staring in stony silence. People from all different walks of life, all strangers to me, and this is the only place I don't feel alone. 

By the time I entered high school, I dreamed of becoming something huge. I wanted to be something spectacular or have something spectacular happen to me. I hoped and prayed that I'd be splashed on all the newspapers and CNN and Fox News would broadcast me everywhere. That all the people in my life who made me feel so small, would see me as the next big thing.  I thought to feel content and happy with myself I had to be something far more than who I was.

I will never understand the inherent need of human beings to judge the person across from us. If they wear weird clothes, if they don't shave, if they do, if they lack athletic skills or they're "too" in to sports. If they are gay, or straight, or somewhere in between. If they prefer video games over social interaction or if they go to church once a week and not twice a week. I get that it's something we do. I've done it, you've done it and the Pope has done it. It's an instinct that we can't necessarily help, but what we do with those judgements? That can be helped. 

All those times growing up that I was taunted, made fun of, disliked - they added up. In 2nd grade, when I picked my nose and the kid next to me shouted it out to the whole room and I was so embarrassed I never wanted to go back to school again. When I went to a friends house in 4th grade, for a sleep over, and she wrote in her diary (that admittedly I shouldn't have read) and said how she only had me over cause her mom felt bad for me. I still remember reading that and my heart drop, because she was supposed to be my friend and she didn't even like me. I still remember her asking me to play in the water and me sitting there just so sad - going home heartbroken over being betrayed by this girl.  Or the time in 6th grade when the guy I was crushing on hard asked me out. I was so flattered and happy, because no one ever paid attention to me that way. Two weeks later to find out that it was a bet to see if I would say yes. Jokes on me. They had no idea that I went home and cried myself to sleep for two weeks. Because finally, finally someone thought I was pretty enough to be with - despite all the times at home I was called ugly. Or in 7th grade when I decided I was going to wear a short skirt to school, because everyone made fun of me for years for wearing long skirts, just to receive sideways glances and the "there she is" snickers in the hallway.  The amount of times I was made fun of, because it took me 13 minutes to run "The Mile," in gym class. I was the drama queen, as everyone called me in school, because I took everything to heart. But they had no idea the pain I went through day in and day out. No I was never bullied physically in school, but that didn't make it any less real. I was unhappy, and it wasn't because of any single event in my life - but all of them. 

You see, we never know what the person across from us is going through. They never knew I went home to my own personal hell. They never knew the pain or agony I felt inside. The amount of times I tried to end it all. And how much I wanted to be someone, anyone else. I read books instead of joining sports, because I could escape into a new world. I wished so hard to turn into something so spectacular they would feel bad for all the things they did to me.

Then I grew up.

Most of those people have no idea what pain they caused me. Most of them have no idea what consequences their actions could incur. I have weeped for those who have ended their lives, because of careless words and actions. I truly hope they have found their peace. But to those people who made me feel so small without possibly even knowing it, thank you. Because through you I have found something so much better. All that time I wished and hoped to become something spectacular to blow the minds of all the people who would hear of me, wasn't in vain. Maybe I don't blow minds, and maybe people don't shout and jump for my signature when I walk by, but I am something completely unique and spectacular and wonderful. I am me, fully and completely. That is something I will never allow another human being to take from me. 

Until the day I die, I will reach out and show more love and more respect than was ever shown me. That is how we breed unity, and one day I hope - peace.

To The One Who Doesn't Think They Are Beautiful

To the one who doesn't think they are beautiful.
The one with eyes that steal my soul.
The one who's heart is made of love.

True beauty comes from what we see
In your laugh
What you feel
Your love
Your soul

The face you make when you are happy
The face you make when you are sad
Your smile
Your thoughts of love for another

The curves of your body
Your skin to be kissed
Your lips to be loved

Your beauty is what drives me
The smile upon my face
The glare in my eye
It is you
Everything that you are
You are perfect
And my heart skips when it sees your face

If I had the power
To sacrifice all that I am
To prove to you
You are more beautiful
Than I could ever imagine another creature being
I would gladly give up everything that makes me, me

Words can only take one so far
Let me show you what love really is
Let me give you my love
To just you
Only you
Forever
And beyond

To the one who doesn't think they are beautiful
I know you are.

For You

You made me a fool for you
But really you just
made me be a fool.

Nighttime Musings.

Dear Future Whoever You May Be,

I can't give you everything you deserve. I can't give you my whole heart, part of that is missing. I can't give you all my soul, some of that was stolen from me. I can't give you my innocence, that was taken too long ago. I can't call you my first love, that title was already given away. But I can give you what is left of me, as tarnished and battered as those things may be, I can give you what's left. You might not be my first love, but that doesn't mean you won't be even more.  I can show you love purely. I can show you a girl who puts her significant other before her own desires. I can show you a kindred spirit. But is that enough for you?

I want to touch you. I want to feel your breath on my skin. I want my fingers to reach out and have yours find them. I want to hold you so close neither of us can breathe. I want our tongues to dance as one to the rhythm of our heartbeats. I want to lay my head on your shoulder and feel secure in you. I want to show you what loving each other can do.

I'm a needy person, I'll want your love to keep me safe. The word love has been tarnished by many before you, whether my ex or my family or my friends. I don't even know if that is a good word to me anymore, but I yearn to hear it one day. When I can not hear the words I love you, or even the words I like you, please don't think it's because of you. Please just say that you need me. Tell me how your breath catches when I walk out the door out of fear that I won't walk back through them. Please say that you desire me. Tell me how your heart pounds and your palms get sweaty, because all you want is our hands intertwined and our skin synced. But please don't say you love me. Please show me, you love me. Love has ripped my flesh apart. Has taken my heart and broken it with bare hands. Love has chewed me up and spit me out. Love has taught me how powerful hate can be. Show me that you care for me. Show me that you love me. But please, don't say you love me, unless you mean it with everything inside of you.  You should know, it will take time for me to trust those word. So in advance, I'm sorry.

Liking me isn't easy. So whenever loving me comes around, that will probably be a whole lot worse. Sometimes, I'm the happiest person you'll ever meet. You'll throw your head back, the same as mine, in laughter over the stupidest things. You'll watch me crinkle my nose and light up at the simplest smile from you. You'll watch me pour my soul into whatever I may be doing at that moment. Whether dancing like an idiot or meditating to keep balance. When I throw my arms around your neck and kiss you hundreds of times out of pure joy and love. Those are the times it will be easiest to love me. Like when we were kids and we all had our favorite candy so going into the candy shop was easy; because as a child we only saw what pleased us the most so we knew exactly what we wanted when we wanted it. Loving me on my good days will be like that. Simple, easy, and your favorite thing to do. But... My bad days... Those days when I don't want to get out of bed and forcing myself to work means I'll either stay up all night or sleep it away. When all I do is sit and stare at what's in front of me. When the sadness and the pain and all the bad just seems to suffocate my spirit. When looking at you is painful because I know I should be happy. When you kiss me on my cheek and I barely acknowledge you because I'm numb. When I pick fights with you just because, and when I don't say "I love you, too."  When I hate myself and I cry and I don't understand why I feel the way I do.. Those days will be the hardest to love me. Like when someone tries to ask you what your favorite single book is and you can't just pick one because that whole series was amazing or all five of those books have worn out pages from being turned over and over again. It will be difficult and maybe even painful and to be quite honest, you'll probably want to walk away.

But here's the thing. My heart loves and my soul sings and my mind might play petty tricks, but it knows itself better than most would ever suspect. I will steal your heart with quick kisses and I'll take your soul with my love. You might realize I'm the reason storms are named after people, but you'll also remember why we need storms to make flowers grow.

With all my heart,
Whoever I Am to You.

Untitled.

It is a dejected shade of blue black

Competing with a reflection of diamond white

The allegory of perfection leaves all of life desired

There is no comparison to be made.

Because fate can only see the ambrosial skin.
Meanwhile, bleeding profusely underneath
The lettered one maintains, and does not cry.
Darkness smiles - though she slips away,
but her acrimony towards the girl does not.
For the sun shines brighter on white
than it does black.

Forever.

And I thought forever meant
to infinity and a thousand hundred universes.
But instead, forever meant,
until your body no longer slept next to mine.

You are Out of This World, Love.

I was soo… unlit;

Until I stumbled to your presence.

You were soo… unlucky;

Raised in a hell not of your making.

I am soo… besotted;

In awe of your stardust.

You are so… striking,

Yet, so unaware of it.

I Thought.

I thought when you searched me for cavities,

You were finding what you needed to fill.

I thought when you traced my body for broken skin

You were searching for what to sew up again.

I thought when you held my heart in your hand,

You were weighing the fragility of my soul.

I thought when you said you loved me,

You were healing the wrong in my life.

I thought you were trying to make me a better me

I thought you were making me a better me.

But you were building me up to push me down.

And you haven’t even apologized for that.

I Hope.

I hope you never have to understand how someone can spend all night crying or how comeone can slide a blade across their delicate wrist. I hope you never have to feel like you have to throw up every meal, or skip them, to be pretty.  I hope you don’t have demons or anxiety that chase you from enjoying your life. I hope you never chase your numbness with a bottle of pills. I hope you never have to understand lying awake for countless hours, because you don’t want to wake up again. But mostly, I hope that when you say “I’m fine.” That you actually are fine.

If you ever have to deal with these things, I hope you know you aren’t alone. I was, But you are not.

You.

Someone tell me why you are so wonderful
and why when you speak my name
over the muffled buzzing of the
space between your city and mine
I
just
can’t
exhale
even though I want to.

(I'm holding my breath)

I wonder what your face feels like
underneath my shaking fingertips.

Live, Love, Laugh.

I use to never understand
why people would say
the motto to life is
Live, love and laugh.

Then I met you.

Now, everything I once
couldn't figure out
makes absolute sense.

Human.

I know that sometimes I fail at keeping promises.  I back out of plans at the last second, because my anxiety makes my mind run through ten horrible scenarios.  I don't think that I am beautiful, and when someone tells me I am it makes me annoyed.  I worry day in and day out about my life and where it's taking me, because I don't go to school or have any plans for the future.  I become attached to people too easily, and it usually ends badly.  Alcohol and drugs replaced the loneliness that never really goes away.  I've done bad things, I continue to do bad things.

 I am a messy, disastrous, human being.  

I believe in others more than I believe in myself.  I offer a hand to my enemies, and often times get stung.  I will sit next to you in silence until you decide to speak of your pain.  I will let you fall, because sometimes that's what we need to do - but I won't ever leave your side.  I see beauty in everything, even when I can't find it in myself.  I will encourage others goals, and I will check in to see how far they've come.  I've done good things, I will continue to do good things. 

I am a good, caring, human being.  

Too often we stare at the mirror and we don't see our beauty.  We don't see the twinkle in our eye when we see something we love.  We don't appreciate our own gratitude the way we do others.  We sell ourselves short every single day.  For every flaw we scrutinize, for every mistake we make.  We punish ourselves, we hate ourselves, we kick ourselves down.  But I am here to tell you something. Listen closely and understand clearly:

We are only human. We do bad things, we do good things - and we will continue to do them. It's time to forgive yourself. 

Mirrors.

Mirrors; a room full of mirrors.

Every where I turn - I see myself

A reflection of brokenness.

I step closer to the mirror in front of me.

I pinch my fat.

I curse my eyebrows

I pull at my hair.

I can't stand looking at the flaws these mirrors reflect.

 

Running; I run this way and that.

But I just keep running into a new mirror

Running from myself, into myself

I can't escape me.

That's all I ever wanted to do.

It hits me finally, 

There is no door. 

I'm stuck with me, 

Trapped and suffocating,

in this room full of mirrors.

 

Screaming; I scream until my throat is raw.

I scream out all my frustration

I scream so someone would hear.

But no one can hear and I know that somewhere.

I can't help but scream anyways.

I scream so loud and so long my brain becomes clouded

It's dark and I kick. 

I kick out a mirror in front of me.

 

Pieces; pieces of mirror shattered in front of me.

I pick one gently up and stare at it, oh so delicately.

It's rigged and rough and beautiful.

This shattered mirror that's finally a true reflection of me.

Broken and in pieces. 

Away.

 

Can you bring me close enough

To push me on my way?

To another town

to another place

far away?

From memories that collide

with my mind.

away from them.

away from

us.

 

a.p.

 

 

 

Love.

How does a soul 
become entrapped
in the existence
of another?

Is that what one
simply calls love?
Or is it only
the complex emotion
of infatuation?

I've always been told
love is liberating -
So tell me why 
we never seem
to escape its grip?


I have been in love,
it was both thrilling
and excruciating. 

Abyss.

What happens 

when they take your breath away?

and you no longer can breathe?

and you no longer want to anyways?

what happens 

when you can't be strong anymore?

and you just stare into nothing because its easier anyways.

What happens

when there is no beginning; and there is no end?

Do you just slowly crumble away

Like the loose rocks from an ancient mountain,

down into the dark valley and the gaping abyss? 

a.p.

Broken Wings.

With a weakened voice

The distance
will remind
Me:


I am not

gone

yet.


With a rough touch

The torture
will remind
Me:

I can still

Feel


Because
I was born
With

broken wings.

Beautiful.

You call me beautiful.

You say everything I am is beautiful.

You tell me you want to give me the world.

But you can’t.

And I don’t know what hurts more.

Knowing you can’t,

or knowing you want too.

If this isn't hell, what is?

People look at me and all they see is the plastered smile. All they see is the fact my stomach protrudes and my thighs touch. All they see is my hair that never does what I ask it to do. All they see is the girl covered in makeup, and sometimes the girl who was “too lazy” to look presentable. All they see is the girl who does her hardest at her job and cries when she’s overwhelmed. All they see is this girl who pretends to be strong. All they see is what’s on the outside.

They don’t see the pain behind my tears. They don’t see the frown lines, hidden by my smile. They don’t see the insecurities. They don’t see how sometimes I have too much on my mind to cover the ugliness I see as my face. They don’t see the demons I fight, not only in my dreams, but everyday, that cause my dark circles under my eyes. They don’t see how I binge every day on food to fill up what’s empty inside. They don’t see the pain that wraps around every part of my life and squeezes, until I can’t breathe anymore. The horror that twists the view I have of myself; until I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. They don’t see how weak I really am inside.

I’m gasping out for air.
Freedom.
My arms are flailing.
Searching.
Hoping to grasp onto something.
Nothing.
And I just have to wake up and do it again.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of what’s after. If this isn't hell, what is?

I am not an elegant person.

So what am I then?

I am every little thing I do and every little thing I say. I watch movies just to make myself cry. I dance to music when no one is looking. I take things a little too far. I find drama funnier than I should. I swear worse than any sailor I've ever known (which is none, but it's still pretty bad.) I laugh at the most inappropriate times. There's coffee stains on my notes. I stay awake until three in the morning, day dreaming about my future. I stare at strangers for far too long. I eat too fast. Sometimes I forget to say please, but never forget to say thank you. I watch shows about crazy people and crime. I laugh. I cry. I want to punch things in the face (even when they don't have one.) I will interrupt a story, and apologize profusely. I lose track of things I say and sometimes repeat myself three or four times. I will stumble on a smooth passage way. I crinkle my nose when I find something adorable. I adore Disney movies. I pretend I'm grown up. I know big words, yet struggle to string them together. I stutter. I sing horribly. I sing anyways. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror. I'm ten times prettier than I am in pictures. I make bad decisions. I fall in love too hard and too fast, with people I have never seen in person. I live by quotes. I am a perfectionist. I am a warrior. I fight hard for what I want. I give up too easily.  I never forget to say I love you, in fact, I probably say it too much.

I am not an elegant person.
I am me.
I am Ann.

Welcome to my wonderland.