Nighttime Musings.

Dear Future Whoever You May Be,

I can't give you everything you deserve. I can't give you my whole heart, part of that is missing. I can't give you all my soul, some of that was stolen from me. I can't give you my innocence, that was taken too long ago. I can't call you my first love, that title was already given away. But I can give you what is left of me, as tarnished and battered as those things may be, I can give you what's left. You might not be my first love, but that doesn't mean you won't be even more.  I can show you love purely. I can show you a girl who puts her significant other before her own desires. I can show you a kindred spirit. But is that enough for you?

I want to touch you. I want to feel your breath on my skin. I want my fingers to reach out and have yours find them. I want to hold you so close neither of us can breathe. I want our tongues to dance as one to the rhythm of our heartbeats. I want to lay my head on your shoulder and feel secure in you. I want to show you what loving each other can do.

I'm a needy person, I'll want your love to keep me safe. The word love has been tarnished by many before you, whether my ex or my family or my friends. I don't even know if that is a good word to me anymore, but I yearn to hear it one day. When I can not hear the words I love you, or even the words I like you, please don't think it's because of you. Please just say that you need me. Tell me how your breath catches when I walk out the door out of fear that I won't walk back through them. Please say that you desire me. Tell me how your heart pounds and your palms get sweaty, because all you want is our hands intertwined and our skin synced. But please don't say you love me. Please show me, you love me. Love has ripped my flesh apart. Has taken my heart and broken it with bare hands. Love has chewed me up and spit me out. Love has taught me how powerful hate can be. Show me that you care for me. Show me that you love me. But please, don't say you love me, unless you mean it with everything inside of you.  You should know, it will take time for me to trust those word. So in advance, I'm sorry.

Liking me isn't easy. So whenever loving me comes around, that will probably be a whole lot worse. Sometimes, I'm the happiest person you'll ever meet. You'll throw your head back, the same as mine, in laughter over the stupidest things. You'll watch me crinkle my nose and light up at the simplest smile from you. You'll watch me pour my soul into whatever I may be doing at that moment. Whether dancing like an idiot or meditating to keep balance. When I throw my arms around your neck and kiss you hundreds of times out of pure joy and love. Those are the times it will be easiest to love me. Like when we were kids and we all had our favorite candy so going into the candy shop was easy; because as a child we only saw what pleased us the most so we knew exactly what we wanted when we wanted it. Loving me on my good days will be like that. Simple, easy, and your favorite thing to do. But... My bad days... Those days when I don't want to get out of bed and forcing myself to work means I'll either stay up all night or sleep it away. When all I do is sit and stare at what's in front of me. When the sadness and the pain and all the bad just seems to suffocate my spirit. When looking at you is painful because I know I should be happy. When you kiss me on my cheek and I barely acknowledge you because I'm numb. When I pick fights with you just because, and when I don't say "I love you, too."  When I hate myself and I cry and I don't understand why I feel the way I do.. Those days will be the hardest to love me. Like when someone tries to ask you what your favorite single book is and you can't just pick one because that whole series was amazing or all five of those books have worn out pages from being turned over and over again. It will be difficult and maybe even painful and to be quite honest, you'll probably want to walk away.

But here's the thing. My heart loves and my soul sings and my mind might play petty tricks, but it knows itself better than most would ever suspect. I will steal your heart with quick kisses and I'll take your soul with my love. You might realize I'm the reason storms are named after people, but you'll also remember why we need storms to make flowers grow.

With all my heart,
Whoever I Am to You.

Untitled.

It is a dejected shade of blue black

Competing with a reflection of diamond white

The allegory of perfection leaves all of life desired

There is no comparison to be made.

Because fate can only see the ambrosial skin.
Meanwhile, bleeding profusely underneath
The lettered one maintains, and does not cry.
Darkness smiles - though she slips away,
but her acrimony towards the girl does not.
For the sun shines brighter on white
than it does black.

Forever.

And I thought forever meant
to infinity and a thousand hundred universes.
But instead, forever meant,
until your body no longer slept next to mine.

You are Out of This World, Love.

I was soo… unlit;

Until I stumbled to your presence.

You were soo… unlucky;

Raised in a hell not of your making.

I am soo… besotted;

In awe of your stardust.

You are so… striking,

Yet, so unaware of it.

I Thought.

I thought when you searched me for cavities,

You were finding what you needed to fill.

I thought when you traced my body for broken skin

You were searching for what to sew up again.

I thought when you held my heart in your hand,

You were weighing the fragility of my soul.

I thought when you said you loved me,

You were healing the wrong in my life.

I thought you were trying to make me a better me

I thought you were making me a better me.

But you were building me up to push me down.

And you haven’t even apologized for that.

I Hope.

I hope you never have to understand how someone can spend all night crying or how comeone can slide a blade across their delicate wrist. I hope you never have to feel like you have to throw up every meal, or skip them, to be pretty.  I hope you don’t have demons or anxiety that chase you from enjoying your life. I hope you never chase your numbness with a bottle of pills. I hope you never have to understand lying awake for countless hours, because you don’t want to wake up again. But mostly, I hope that when you say “I’m fine.” That you actually are fine.

If you ever have to deal with these things, I hope you know you aren’t alone. I was, But you are not.