Suicide Awareness Day.
I have started and erased this so many times. The words just aren't coming out the way I want them too. So I guess, I will tell you a glimpse of my story and hope it will help those who deal with these thoughts or tendencies. And I hope it will help everyone else be a voice to those who don't know how to use theirs.
I couldn't tell you how long I've had depression. Probably from a younger age and I didn't know what it even was. Depression comes in many shapes and many forms, mine was a little more sneaky. I rode it like waves. High and low, never in-between. I didn't know what I was dealing with, I just knew sometimes I was so happy and so excited and I was on top of the world, but then most of the time I was so low that getting out of bed hurt. My lover became Death. I dreamed about Death, I thought up ideas of how to be with Death. I kissed Death a few too many times. I fell in love with pain. Self-inflicted butterfly kisses - that's what I called my wounds. Too many close calls later, I ended up in therapy to deal with.. things.
One day, in my latter high school career, I was driving home from a lunch date and all I could think about was different ways to die. Hit a tree, swerve in the wrong lane. I got home, and I saw the dishes and I thought what if my hand slipped while cleaning a knife? I went into the bathroom and I thought, what if I take a bath and something electric fell in? I got in my room and I thought, what if I broke this mirror and just ended it all? It was like my brain was flooded with all these things I could do, Accidentally, or not. I couldn't get it out of my head. But the worst part, was that no one knew. Or if they did, they didn't try and stop me. I was alone in my head, and my head was telling me to do awful things, because I didn't matter. I was just one soul trapped in a world with a million other better souls. I ended up in a hospital, because I told my therapist about those thoughts. I had no one. I was there for two weeks, and people thought it was for attention? What? To this day I can't fathom why someone would ever say that to me.
In 2010, I finally was clean from causing harm to my body. But the urges never dissipated. Then almost three years ago, November 28th, 2012 exactly - I attempted to end my life for the last time. I shouldn't be alive today. But I am. I woke up in the hospital room and I decided to choose to fall in love with Life. Even though it took me until the journey out of Wisconsin to truly begin to learn what loving myself really means - I am learning. I have learned that suicide is stigmatized and I've learned that being a voice might be the only thing I can do, but that I should do it anyways. I am learning that just because my brain does not always understand how happy and positive my life and feelings are - doesn't mean it has to control me. I will always deal with suicidal urges. People who deal with depression and suicide, will always deal with their symptoms. It doesn't just go away. But we are strong. We are brave. And we are NOT a stigma.
Choosing Life might be the hardest choice we make, but we make it every day. And for those who couldn't make that choice, I understand, I love you and I hope you rest in peace. For those who still struggle, you are not alone, I am here for you and I have resources for you. And for those who never have, please learn to listen. Learn to see. Learn to understand. The struggle with suicide is hard to understand if you have never been in love with Death, but that does not mean, you can't try. Please try, please be aware, and please spread your awareness.
The winds shake
the waters rise
the sun comes up
we stand tall.
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