You.

Someone tell me why you are so wonderful
and why when you speak my name
over the muffled buzzing of the
space between your city and mine
I
just
can’t
exhale
even though I want to.

(I'm holding my breath)

I wonder what your face feels like
underneath my shaking fingertips.

Live, Love, Laugh.

I use to never understand
why people would say
the motto to life is
Live, love and laugh.

Then I met you.

Now, everything I once
couldn't figure out
makes absolute sense.

Human.

I know that sometimes I fail at keeping promises.  I back out of plans at the last second, because my anxiety makes my mind run through ten horrible scenarios.  I don't think that I am beautiful, and when someone tells me I am it makes me annoyed.  I worry day in and day out about my life and where it's taking me, because I don't go to school or have any plans for the future.  I become attached to people too easily, and it usually ends badly.  Alcohol and drugs replaced the loneliness that never really goes away.  I've done bad things, I continue to do bad things.

 I am a messy, disastrous, human being.  

I believe in others more than I believe in myself.  I offer a hand to my enemies, and often times get stung.  I will sit next to you in silence until you decide to speak of your pain.  I will let you fall, because sometimes that's what we need to do - but I won't ever leave your side.  I see beauty in everything, even when I can't find it in myself.  I will encourage others goals, and I will check in to see how far they've come.  I've done good things, I will continue to do good things. 

I am a good, caring, human being.  

Too often we stare at the mirror and we don't see our beauty.  We don't see the twinkle in our eye when we see something we love.  We don't appreciate our own gratitude the way we do others.  We sell ourselves short every single day.  For every flaw we scrutinize, for every mistake we make.  We punish ourselves, we hate ourselves, we kick ourselves down.  But I am here to tell you something. Listen closely and understand clearly:

We are only human. We do bad things, we do good things - and we will continue to do them. It's time to forgive yourself. 

Mirrors.

Mirrors; a room full of mirrors.

Every where I turn - I see myself

A reflection of brokenness.

I step closer to the mirror in front of me.

I pinch my fat.

I curse my eyebrows

I pull at my hair.

I can't stand looking at the flaws these mirrors reflect.

 

Running; I run this way and that.

But I just keep running into a new mirror

Running from myself, into myself

I can't escape me.

That's all I ever wanted to do.

It hits me finally, 

There is no door. 

I'm stuck with me, 

Trapped and suffocating,

in this room full of mirrors.

 

Screaming; I scream until my throat is raw.

I scream out all my frustration

I scream so someone would hear.

But no one can hear and I know that somewhere.

I can't help but scream anyways.

I scream so loud and so long my brain becomes clouded

It's dark and I kick. 

I kick out a mirror in front of me.

 

Pieces; pieces of mirror shattered in front of me.

I pick one gently up and stare at it, oh so delicately.

It's rigged and rough and beautiful.

This shattered mirror that's finally a true reflection of me.

Broken and in pieces. 

Away.

 

Can you bring me close enough

To push me on my way?

To another town

to another place

far away?

From memories that collide

with my mind.

away from them.

away from

us.

 

a.p.

 

 

 

Love.

How does a soul 
become entrapped
in the existence
of another?

Is that what one
simply calls love?
Or is it only
the complex emotion
of infatuation?

I've always been told
love is liberating -
So tell me why 
we never seem
to escape its grip?


I have been in love,
it was both thrilling
and excruciating. 

Abyss.

What happens 

when they take your breath away?

and you no longer can breathe?

and you no longer want to anyways?

what happens 

when you can't be strong anymore?

and you just stare into nothing because its easier anyways.

What happens

when there is no beginning; and there is no end?

Do you just slowly crumble away

Like the loose rocks from an ancient mountain,

down into the dark valley and the gaping abyss? 

a.p.